Monologue: How to Grow Up

What I haven’t told anyone, including myself is that – I pushed and shoved myself to live in Germany. That’s why I didn’t do any research beforehand and just showed up with the wrong clothes and completely unprepared. I am fortunate that I have no dependents and have a bank account with money and willing to live cheaply so one less important thing that I don’t have to worry about.

My luggage consisted of typical clothes I would wear in Toronto during summer time, however, the weather in Hamburg is much different, there’s 10 degrees difference in latitude (Hamburg 53° 33′ vs Toronto 43° 42′). It rarely reached above 25 Celsius between June and September of 2015. It’s also very windy, humid and grey, year round. I had no idea that on average, it receives 500 less hours on sunshine per year than Toronto, yet numerically warmer in winter – numerically.

When it was sunny and warm, it was short lived. Within days and weeks of my arrival, I had no choice but to shop for sweats and long sleeves because I could not handle it with my supply of tank tops, t-shirts, shorts and one pair of jeans. There was not a speck of winter clothes so one would naturally assumed I did not think of staying until winter. But in the back of my mind, I keep reminding myself that my visa is only for a short time period, so keeping my possessions as minimal as possible was important. Nine months later, I’m still living in Hamburg, Germany. However, overall, the lack of sunshine has put a damper on my urge and desire to be outdoors.

In addition, I allowed a lot of the general fears from other’s perception create blocks in my path and take away my power and my confidence to create miracles. Don’t get me wrong, I still see and experience miracles, however, a lot of the self esteem and self trust that I have built up over the recent years have been weakened due to daily talk of defeat by others. I waivered. I second guessed myself. At points, I threw the towel in and dreamt of being rescued instead of rescuing myself. I flounder between giving up and moving back to Toronto and being stubborn and hoping for extensions on my visa.

That’s not how I want to live, deep down. I want the opposite for myself and others.

I want to be able to trust myself, be confident of my decisions, trust my intuition, my inner knowing. I want to have faith and hope in the Universe. I want to be successful with turning my dreams into reality.

What I felt was one step forward, ten steps back.

Was living in Germany, Europe a disastrous decision? What’s the silver lining? What’s my take away?

At first glance, many things may feel like the worst decision ever. However, if given the time to steep and churned over, a revelation of sorts happen.

From living here in Germany, alone – I am learning to be my own support system. The cliche “finding myself.”

I keep saying the word “should” in my mind and in turn, allow guilt to pile up when really, if I just let myself be, the guilt wouldn’t be a thing. Aside from going to my German class, I keep spending time in my room like it’s a hibernation cave. Instead of interacting with people. I allowed the language barrier to be a barrier. Instead of giving it all that I’ve got. Wishing. Wishing for romance. Always wishing for something, forgetting what I already have in my possession. Forgetting my abundance. Hoping a brilliant idea will dawn inside my head and give me new hope and faith.

The self induced guilt is not healthy and not helpful at all. It’s time to let it go. Time to stop manufacturing it. Stop saying “should”. Stop the guilt. Stop judging myself.

Self judgment can be one of the most destructive path to walk down because it leads to a lot of unhealthy repercussions.

Life is a series of mirrors reflecting back at what we need to pay attention to.

The most common thing for me is being critical of others, especially when I know they can do better. This can destroy relationships and friendships. However, the real underlying issue is that I know I can do better myself and I’m allowing opportunities to slip by or procrastinate a decision that affects myself. Instead of realizing the root cause, I’ve deflected it onto others, the innocent bystanders in my life.

These are the 4 things, I have come to realize:

  1. To grow, on a personal or spiritual level, I need to Recognize the cause of the action and emotion. Sit with the emotion. Do not bury it with “being busy”. Do not hide it or ignore it with alcohol or drugs or other mind numbing habits. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Whatsapp and all the other “social” apps will always be there to suck up all your time.

    With self-judgment, I tend to become angry and short of patience. Understanding the emotion I had been burying for years was challenging to say the least, let alone sitting with it and try to understand why it is what it is.

  2. After I realize what is really bothering me, I need to Accept it and Take Responsibility for it – all that it has done to me and what it has made me think of others around me and how I have in turn been treating them and myself.

    Nothing in life is “easy-peasy”, however, the question is “do I want to stay the same or become a better person?”

  3. Finding the Silver Lining is next. There is always at least one life lesson involved. Until the day, this lesson is firmly realized and understood on multiple levels, the Universe keep presenting it in various ways to ensure it is really comprehended.

    I can be really impatient at times, I’ve lost count how many times I’ve thought, “Again, seriously?! Again?”

  4. Finally after all that, I need to Forgive Myself for the actions and “wrongs” I have done. I am only human, I am not perfect, no one is. Perfectionism is overrated and stress inducing. Only then Letting Go is possible, so the nagging will stop inside of me.

There’s always a new page to turn over. Our life journey is page after page of lessons and experiences. Starting new chapters can be easy – if we allow it to unfurl. Close one door and the next will open BUT we cannot stand straddling between the old and the new. The threshold is to be stepped over, standing at the threshold, frozen is neither constructive nor destructive but it can be debilitating.

Hot flames from traditional Easter bonfire in Northern Europe - One symbolism is to burn away the Winter and welcome Spring.

Hot flames from traditional Easter bonfire in Northern Europe – One symbolism is to burn away the Winter and welcome Spring.

Now let’s hope I can keep reminding myself of these words that I’ve written and not just be a hypocrite after clicking “publish”.

Time to burn off all that no longer serves me in the past, present and future. Open that new door and take the next step forward – shall we?

Being an active participant is always better than being a passive spectator in life.

Crowd of spectators at annual Easter Bonfire in Hamburg, Germany (March 26, 2016)

Crowd of spectators at annual Easter Bonfire in Hamburg, Germany (March 26, 2016)

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